It's not uncommon for couples to worry about whether they're having enough sex, especially when they hear that other couples have more sex than they do. The benefits of sex are many, including better immunity, lower blood pressure, less pain, reduced heart attack, and lowered prostate cancer risk, and less stress.
How much sex do you need to have?
Let’s look at what the research says about how often you should be getting it on.
How Often Do "Normal" Couples Have Sex?
It's hard to get an accurate number concerning what's normal for having sex, but several studies show that "normal" can range anywhere from once a week to once a month. A couple's sex life is influenced by a wide range of factors, including their age, lifestyle, overall health, libido, and the quality of the relationship.
Sex expert David Schnarch, PhD, studied more than 20,000 couples and found…
7% of couples have sex four or five times a week
26% once or twice a week
34% (the majority) have sex once or twice a month
21% do it just a few times a year
12% percent had no sex at all in the past year
Another study published by the University of Chicago Press found that married couples have sex around seven times a month, or a little less than twice a week. A third study of 16,000 adults found that older people have sex around two or three times a month. Younger participants reported having sex around once a week.
Does Less Sex Spell Relationship Trouble?
A lack of sex doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is in trouble. However, a lack of sex in a relationship can lead to detachment, anger, and infidelity. Without sex, says expert Ian Kerner, PhD, couples tend to become "good friends at best, or bickering roommates at worst."
How your relationship weathers the amount of sex you and your partner have depends on several factors. Perhaps the most important is you and your partner's sex drive. If one partner has a higher sex drive than the other, resentment can build on either side if a compromise isn't reached.
A recent study found that people who are in committed relationships, who have sex more often, report feeling happier. However, the frequency that led to happiness leveled off at once a week. In other words, people who have sex four or more times a week didn't report feeling any happier than those who did it just once a week.
How Much Sex is Right For You?
How much sex is right for you and your partner depends entirely on you and your partner. Having a conversation about your sex life can help you decide how often you each desire to be intimate with each other. If the question has never come up, it's probably not an issue for you, or you may not have given it much thought. It's not unusual for one partner to want more sex and the other partner to want less. The key is finding a number you can both agree on.
Couples who have stopped having sex or who have it very infrequently, but want to ramp it up a little, should shoot for once a week to see how that goes. For busy couples, a schedule may be in order. Scheduling sex doesn't have to take the fun away. In fact, a sex schedule can keep things spicy and give you something to look forward to. But for some, a schedule can just add pressure and make it difficult to perform or get into the mood. Do what feels right for you.
To add some excitement to a dull sex life, try a change of scenery. Do the deed in the dining room, the back yard, or get a hotel room and go wild. Try role-playing, sex toys, or even a steamy movie.
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The bottom line? There is no "normal" or "ideal" frequency for sex. If you want more sex, have a conversation with your partner about it. Likewise, if you want less sex. It's all about your unique relationship, needs, preferences, and libido. If you can't come to an agreement, a sex therapist can help you work through it in a way that benefits you both.
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